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Okay, so if you really enjoy reading these critiques, show your support!! Go here if you have a facebook, and click "become a fan." This way, you don't have to e-mail me to give suggestions, you can just post it to the page. I'm sorry if I can't play/buy some games, I'm broke. XD But, I will try my best to borrow or rent the games you guys suggest if I don't already own the game. =] Thanks for your support.

The Orange Box: Portal

Well, this, in my opinion, is the best game ever, and if you don't already own this game, you should go get it now. No excuses, if you can't buy it, go see if a friend has it, and borrow it. If you don't have a console, go to Steam and buy it, it's only $19.00. But if you're too broke like the majority of us, you can play a flash version here. So there. No more excuses. In the game you are Chell, [her name's never really given, I'm pretty sure it's just what people call her] and you wake up as a test subject in Aperture Laboratories. You are greeted by GLaDOS, a messed-up AI who can be described as being a "friendly psychopath." It is a puzzle-type game with virtually no storyline whatsoever, but don't let that fool you. As stated earlier: "best game ever." Everything about the game is amazing, even the turrets. Yes, the things that try to kill you. I find them, and GLaDOS, quite comical. Let me give you an example of this: GLaDOS puts a scientific law, that is the law of conservation of momentum, (how momentum is conserved between portals) into layman's terms... "Speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out." Or much later on in the game when GLaDOS is talking about an "Aperture Science thing" and she says: "That thing is probably some kind of raw sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it." and her "honesty" quote: "Have I lied to you? In this room, I mean." So I will end this now, to let you go play this game. Do it now.

-Tosha

Super Stacker 2 [FLASH SUNDAY]

So, I've decided, since I may not be able to post on an actual console game every week, I can review/critique some of the millions of Flash games on the internet. Here it goes...

So Super Stacker 2 is a really good puzzle game that can be found here. It is brilliantly put together, with several puzzles increasing in difficulty, and very clever names for each puzzle. I have only one complaint with this game, and it's that you can't turn the music or sound off. Eventually the music will go away, but you don't have the option to turn it off yourself, which would be nice, as I like to listen to my own music while playing games, especially the Flash games, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Other than that, this game is amazing, so if you love puzzle games, you'll love this one. It really becomes a challenge once you get higher up, too. I had some trouble with number 27, entitled "Waiter's Arms." But it's still great. =]

Psychonauts

So, in Pyschonauts, you are Rasputin, or Raz for sort, and Raz runs away from the circus (rather than to it) to a summer camp for training Pyschonauts, or psychic soldiers. In all honesty, I don't have many problems with this game at all, overall it is amazing. The only things that bothered me about the game was (1) it's really odd camera angles, which caused me to die several times, (2) it's pointless and way-too-often cut-scenes, although there weren't that many (so that's just nit-picking) and (3) it's really odd difficulty curve.

(1) Those camera angles... *sigh*  they can be awful, but there are only two instances in the game which caused me to die several times, and those were both fairly close to the ending. But it was still rather annoying.
(2) So, the cut-scenes... There were, yet again, only a few times this really bothered me... There's once in the beginning, and Raz is talking to a couple of his friends, and then, when I get to play again, I walk about five feet and BAM! Another cut scene. Neither one was vital to the story line, really, but oh well, it's still an amazing game.

(3) Wow... the difficulty curve... Well, in the beginning, you are running around doing tutorial-type missions, and just roaming around camp, but then the curve suddenly spikes like a character's hair from one of those cartoons when they put their finger in the light socket. Then it drops again, and then rises... again. As such -->

(yes, I drew that, shut-up)

But other than that, this game is perfect. It's different, comical, and most importantly fun. So, if you don't already have it, I recommend you go out and buy it... now. =]

Thanks for reading.

-Tosha

God of-- Oh, alright, Dante's Inferno, The review edition.

Alright, after actually playing the game it's completely different from God of War, nothing's the same, so I'm sorry that I was wr- HAHA! I'm just kidding, my opinion really hasn't changed. So, the story line is [if only slightly, in my opinion] different from God of War [or at least how the story comes to be], the combat is eerily similar, and Dante and Kratos both like screaming and sounding a bit like chain smokers when they do so. I do have a problem with just Dante, though. He's an idiot. He doesn't have any idea how a tattoo works... *sigh* The way he got the Crusader's Cross in the movie was so much better. Even the way you get health and "mana" or magic and energy is the same. In Dante's Inferno, they are fountains, in God of War they are chests. However, the way you collect the health/mana etc. is the same. You go up to it, press one button, then press another reaaaaalllllllllllyyyyyyy fast to collect the stuff. I do enjoy the game though, but maybe it's 'cause I loved God of War. But that's pretty much my say on this game. I suppose I'll go back to it now. Thanks for reading.

-Tosha

Bullet Witch

     Wow, I do believe that was the worst game I have ever played. Well, technically I'm still playing the game. But this game has already racked up so many "disgust" points, it's hard to remember all the things that are wrong with Bullet Witch. Hmm.. Let's start with the AI. The AI is, well... just the A. Sure, the soldiers you get to *ahem* "help" you are er... alright, but they really don't do anything except get themselves killed. At the beginning of the second level, I gained about 5 AI soldiers, and after the first wave of enemies, they were all dead. You have to keep putting yourself in danger to use your "sacrifice" spell on them (whereupon, you spray your somehow magical, healing blood on them), if you want to keep them around. Also, another example of their lack of intellect is the inability to avoid falling Gigas, or giant geists. There was one soldier who yelled at me to come to his location, whereupon he was immediately squashed by a Giga I had just killed.
     Oh, I have a problem with Gigas as well. The AI for these enemies also lacks "I;" if you start shooting at their exposed heart (which kinda reminds me of the tyrants of Resident Evil...) before they notice you, they'll just keep turning around in circles, and if they do find you, they aim their gun at you... But if you keep shooting the heart, they won't be able to fire. It's kind of pathetic, really. After the Gigas had fallen, I also noticed the geist soldiers can fire through the fallen giants. (Huh??) Speaking of the geist soldiers... they are wearing man-scarfs, which isn't even logical, because you can tell the skin once belonged on the skull of a person. After ripping skin off, I'm sure it couldn't retain that shape... Also, you know the newspaper articles at the end of the chapters? Who prints those, seriously? I thought this was supposed to be an apocalyptic game, to an extent.
     As far as the survivors who are "interviewed" for the paper... I can't stand those guys. They wander aimlessly about, like they have no brain at all. If I were in that kind of situation in their shoes, I would grab a gun (or the nearest crowbar or wrench) and start a group, if the other people I met had a brain in their skulls as well. There's also the issue of the er.. "implied storyline," if you will. Bullet Witch tries to introduce some sort of really detailed storyline, but it never gets around to the "detail" part.
     You don't even know that much about the character you're playing as, Alicia. All you know is she's a witch, who has a gun that looks like a broom, and who has pretty useless spells. Oh, and she has a demon who talks to her "in her head," and he doesn't have any sympathy for the human race, but Alicia is trying to kill off all the demons... AHHHHH! This is ridiculous.
     Now, as I'm headed through the sewers, I'm noticing very silly messages upon the walls such as: "Death for Creature" and "Every evening has a sunrise," then as the text gets smaller, the "every" reads: "ever." I also ran into some incredibly ridiculous enemies demons called "screamers" produced. They ran around with their arms flailing and making silly noises.
     Well, that's pretty much it on Bullet Witch for now, if I find anymore complaints as this God-awful game continues on, I'll add to this entry, like Alicia's horrible one-liners like "Witches don't need...[3 second pause] prayers." or "I'll just have to...[5 second pause] go outside." Or something like that...
Addition- Why is Alicia able to defy physics and stand on top of an airplane, in heels, while fighting a demon, anyway?

[UPDATE: Guys, I couldn't finish this awful game, I'm sorry. Anyone who has finished this game, I really commend you for such, and you should be given an award or something. Haha. Being made to play such a game should be considered torture.]

So, what's the worst game you guys have ever played?

-Tosha

<-- Game link just in case you want to play this game to see how awful it really is.

Assassin's Creed II

Well this is a vast improvement. Take all my original complaints and throw them away... (Well, except one, but we'll get to the complaints later...) You are Desmond Miles, of course, and you are rescued by Lucy Stillman, who makes you get into the Animus and be reborn as Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Italian assassin.  Now, finally, Desmond is playable... but for like five minutes. But you get to beat up some Abstergo guards, and explore Abstergo Industries for a bit, until fish lady I mean, Lucy, throws you in the back of a car. Which, I kinda don't blame her. Desmond was asking the most pointless and idiotic questions (with guards around, mind you, when he's supposed to be silent)... He even brought up the question: "What is the plural of animus?" No, I'm not joking. So yeah, throwing him in the back of the car was probably the best idea. Kudos to Lucy.
Lucy takes you to a "secret hideout" where you meet Shaun Hastings and Rebecca Crane. There's another problem. Rebecca. She's annoying... ugh. Primarily her voice, really. Oh and her hair. (Oh, shut-up I know it's a girly comment, but I'm not talking about the style) Well, that seems to be a problem in Assassin's Creed II, the graphics of some main characters look a bit rushed (even in the cinematics), and could have been better... but I'm just nit-picking.
Anyway, then you are off to past-land to become Ezio again, but now you're not a newborn! Yay! Well, you kinda of run around a bit doing errands for your family, and you get to meet Leonardo da Vinci, which is pretty cool. Then you get thrust into the exciting world of the assassins. You don't have to sit on benches to eavesdrop anymore, or pick pocket for information on your "target," thank God. I was really looking forward to da Vinci's flying machine, too... Until I got to it, and was done with the mission in five minutes... and discovered that was the end of the flying machine.
Oh, and another problem... You remember the beggars? Well, they've returned in fancy clothes and a habit for trying to sing for you. The singers hunt in packs, I'm warning you. I once had three of them following me at once. That was ridiculous, so I threw money at them, a genius addition Ubisoft decided to put into the game. The money also distracts guards, which is great. Another thing Ubisoft decided to fix was that business with the long *ahem* "journeys" between cities. There is a little umm... "express booth?" Yeah, and it instantly teleports you to your desired location. Which comes in very handy, because there's a money making system, which is your Uncle Mario's ("It's-a-me!!" haha) Villa... and it constantly annoys you to come back and collect your money, but the problem is when you've purchased everything in the game, and are going through just to gather achievements, it still annoys you.
But overall, this game is incredibly wonderful, and does fix a lot of the problems many gamers had with it's predecessor. So, what did you guys think of this game? Thanks.

-Tosha

Assassin's Creed

Okay, so, in Assassin's Creed you are Desmond Miles, and you are kidnapped by the evil corporation of Abstergo, and 'Doctor' Warren Vidic forces you to relive the events of your ancestors to obtain information about a very powerful item, because I guess Dr. Vidic wants to rule the world.
Well, in the game Desmond (you) are Altaïr ibn La-Ahad, and you tick-off your master, Al Mualim, so he takes away all your weapons, and you have to go to various historical cities, including Jerusalem, and assassinate the people Al Mualim tells you to. Occasionally, when you get enough 'brownie points' you get to go back to Masyaf (your awesome secret-but-not-so-discreet assassin's base) and Mualim gives back a piece of your weaponry.
However... This game gets incredibly repetitive as you go along in the story. Just to complete an assassination, you have to go to the local assassin place, and get permission to kill the guy, although Mualim tells you to in the first place. So, you get permission, kind of. The guy then tells you to go learn about your target, like where he'll be and whatnot. You have to do this for every target. Oh, and you have to gather information from three different people each time. Seriously? Couldn't Altair just listen to one informer and go kill the guy? Nooooo... Maybe Ubisoft was just trying to drag out game play. I don't know. But it gets boring.
Oh, and the beggars. *sigh* They nag at you for money, which you apparently do not carry, and they won't stop. You have to avoid them at all costs, pretty much, because I once punched a beggar, and that somehow alerted the soldiers around me. Wouldn't they have done the same thing if they were in my shoes? Probably. But maybe they were having a long day and wanted to beat up a monk-looking guy, who really looks nothing like a monk... I don't know.
There's also the issue of traveling from one place to the other... That gets very boring. If you're on horseback, you can't go any faster than a slug, lest you alert the guards, and you have to travel from place to place either on foot or horseback. I prefer the latter, because I can go into full gallop, and still escape the guards... sometimes. But, overall... It's a great idea, it just needs more... much much more.

-Tosha